Having a baby is hard. You hear moms saying they haven't showered in a week and wonder "why not? It's just 10 minutes." You hear about all the lost sleep and wonder "well, how much time does a baby really take up?"
We feed our little girl 8 times a day: that's about every 3 hours. They involve breastfeeding, supplementing with formula, and pumping to help milk production. While she "only" eats for 25-45 minutes (usually, ... sometimes it's longer), we also need to clean her diaper before, sometimes after, then do the pumping, then clean all the accessories we've been using. We also need to make sure she's falling asleep and will let us sleep once we put her down. All these things take time and there's usually about an hour left of the 3 hour block for us. We manage by prepping food and eating while feeding her, handing her off back and forth in a choreographed sequence designed to maximize the use of our available hands, so that we can spend that hour sleeping. Sometimes we can't fall asleep despite being exhausted because it's 2pm and our bodies are just not used to that. New moms have a host of other things to deal with: massive hormone shifts, lochia flows, labor trauma or c-section recoveries. All these take from the available time and energy as well.
Sometimes she doesn't go down, and that spare hour becomes nothing. Even in the best case where we get almost 2 hours, our daily sleep is being segmented into these little naps - 2 hours at 9pm, an hour at 1am, nothing til 6am, another 45 minutes after that, and so on. A few failed blocks in a row starts to feel overwhelming. This little human is entirely dependent on you to survive and be happy, and they have very few ways to communicate: mostly they just scream. It's up to our parental intuition and learned trouble-shooting guides to figure out why. If you can't relate, imagine trying to set up a device and the only error information it can give you is "No!"
All that said, we have it pretty good:
Now suppose these things we have going for us start to crumble away.
What if a baby is more fussy? The available time for the parents decreases, at the cost of their stress, sleep, and health.
What if a baby needs extra medical care? A parent has to be available to be there with them, or to seek out this care to begin with. They may not be able to afford special treatments either
What if there's no family to provide support? Every bit falls on the parents.
What if the partner doesn't get leave, or if they're not present? Every bit falls on the mom, stressing her further, and partner has to function at their day job while probably quite sleep-deprived.
What if the family doesn't have a lot of money? They now need to plan in more detail for the unknown, spend more time they don't have going stores in person when needed.
What if the doctors are far, or not paying close attention? A number of post-partum complications (even very common ones) could be harder to catch.
What if the house is too hot or too cold for baby? They'll either scream from discomfort (or not sleep) or parents may be tempted to engage in unsafe sleep practices like keeping the baby in bed with them.
Is it so crazy to think that any of these advantages could be not present for some? No. Is it so crazy to think parents are trying to make it work with none of these advantages? Not at all.
I not only don't understand how people make it work, but I don't understand how we think it's ok to ask people to make it work without providing some level of universal support. Federally supported paid time off and an advance on the child tax credit seem like a minimum bar, but new family counseling should probably be a part of the package as well.
We feed our little girl 8 times a day: that's about every 3 hours. They involve breastfeeding, supplementing with formula, and pumping to help milk production. While she "only" eats for 25-45 minutes (usually, ... sometimes it's longer), we also need to clean her diaper before, sometimes after, then do the pumping, then clean all the accessories we've been using. We also need to make sure she's falling asleep and will let us sleep once we put her down. All these things take time and there's usually about an hour left of the 3 hour block for us. We manage by prepping food and eating while feeding her, handing her off back and forth in a choreographed sequence designed to maximize the use of our available hands, so that we can spend that hour sleeping. Sometimes we can't fall asleep despite being exhausted because it's 2pm and our bodies are just not used to that. New moms have a host of other things to deal with: massive hormone shifts, lochia flows, labor trauma or c-section recoveries. All these take from the available time and energy as well.
Sometimes she doesn't go down, and that spare hour becomes nothing. Even in the best case where we get almost 2 hours, our daily sleep is being segmented into these little naps - 2 hours at 9pm, an hour at 1am, nothing til 6am, another 45 minutes after that, and so on. A few failed blocks in a row starts to feel overwhelming. This little human is entirely dependent on you to survive and be happy, and they have very few ways to communicate: mostly they just scream. It's up to our parental intuition and learned trouble-shooting guides to figure out why. If you can't relate, imagine trying to set up a device and the only error information it can give you is "No!"
All that said, we have it pretty good:
- Our baby is healthy and doesn't need any special care or assistance
- Our baby sleeps relatively well, staying down between 6 of 8 and all 8 times in a day
- We have family providing weeks of live-in support, which means we can hand baby off to loving grandparents we trust and know that our time will be ours until the next alarm
- We have great insurance so all our needs are covered, and the total cost is capped and predictable
- We have great medical support nearby. Our hospital and pediatrician are all within 15 minutes, and everyone we've interacted with has been really wonderful
- We have deep financial reserves so we can throw money at many problems: we've placed about 2 dozen Amazon orders in the first week at home
- We have a comfortable house with A/C
- I get 12 weeks parental leave so I can stay home and help, learn, support, and grow as a dad
Now suppose these things we have going for us start to crumble away.
What if a baby is more fussy? The available time for the parents decreases, at the cost of their stress, sleep, and health.
What if a baby needs extra medical care? A parent has to be available to be there with them, or to seek out this care to begin with. They may not be able to afford special treatments either
What if there's no family to provide support? Every bit falls on the parents.
What if the partner doesn't get leave, or if they're not present? Every bit falls on the mom, stressing her further, and partner has to function at their day job while probably quite sleep-deprived.
What if the family doesn't have a lot of money? They now need to plan in more detail for the unknown, spend more time they don't have going stores in person when needed.
What if the doctors are far, or not paying close attention? A number of post-partum complications (even very common ones) could be harder to catch.
What if the house is too hot or too cold for baby? They'll either scream from discomfort (or not sleep) or parents may be tempted to engage in unsafe sleep practices like keeping the baby in bed with them.
Is it so crazy to think that any of these advantages could be not present for some? No. Is it so crazy to think parents are trying to make it work with none of these advantages? Not at all.
I not only don't understand how people make it work, but I don't understand how we think it's ok to ask people to make it work without providing some level of universal support. Federally supported paid time off and an advance on the child tax credit seem like a minimum bar, but new family counseling should probably be a part of the package as well.
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